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Just Knitting
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
The Bike
A 13 year old boy came home all happy.
His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"
"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.
He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied,
"Nah dad my bum is still sore."
The Chief
A tribe in the jungle consider farting after every meal to be a sign of power, however the chief of the tribe finds it extremely difficult to fart.
His servant goes to the doctor and say "big chief, no fart" so the doctor gives him a pill
The next day the servant goes back to the doctor and says "big chief, still no fart" so the doctor gives him a big pill the size of his hand
On the third day the servant goes back and says "big cheif still not fart" so the doctor gives a pill the size of a football
The next day the servant comes back and says to the doctor "big fart,no chief!"
A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"
"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."
"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."
The Bike
A 13 year old boy came home all happy.
His mom asked, "what did you do at school today hunny?"
"Oh i had sex with my teacher," he said calmly.
The mother began to scream and yell and sent him to his room till his father got home.
When the father came home the mother said distroutly and close to tears, "Go talk to your son...he had sex with his teacher today!!!!!!!!!"
The dad with the BIG grin on his face walked upstairs.
He asked his son what happened at school and the son told him.
The dad said, "son im so proud of u im going to get you that bike you have wanted."
They go out and buy the bike and the dad asked him if he wanted to ride it home and the son replied,
"Nah dad my bum is still sore."
The Chief
A tribe in the jungle consider farting after every meal to be a sign of power, however the chief of the tribe finds it extremely difficult to fart.
His servant goes to the doctor and say "big chief, no fart" so the doctor gives him a pill
The next day the servant goes back to the doctor and says "big chief, still no fart" so the doctor gives him a big pill the size of his hand
On the third day the servant goes back and says "big cheif still not fart" so the doctor gives a pill the size of a football
The next day the servant comes back and says to the doctor "big fart,no chief!"
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Adding new words to your vocabulary
New word for Sexual Intercourse..."Penistration".
New word for Female Orgasm..."Happenis"
SPOT DIFFERENCE
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SKY AND SKIRT?
THE SKY COVERS THE WHOLE UNIVERSE.
THE SKIRT COVERS THE UNIVERSAL HOLE.
New word for Sexual Intercourse..."Penistration".
New word for Female Orgasm..."Happenis"
SPOT DIFFERENCE
WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN SKY AND SKIRT?
THE SKY COVERS THE WHOLE UNIVERSE.
THE SKIRT COVERS THE UNIVERSAL HOLE.
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Small Cox
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,
"Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet? "Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had Tolio as a child, " he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off is pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles, "he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.....Small Cox?"
Testosteron
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
Best Comeback Line Ever
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,
"A pumpkin? Damn, is it midnight already?"
A young couple left the church and arrived at the hotel where they were spending the first night of their honeymoon. They opened the champagne and began undressing. When the bridegroom removed his socks, his new wife asked,
"Ewwww---what's wrong with your feet? "Your toes look all mangled and weird. Why are your feet so gross?"
"I had Tolio as a child, " he answered.
"You mean polio?" she asked.
"No, tolio. The disease only affected my toes."
The bride was satisfied with this explanation, and they continued undressing. When the groom took off is pants, his bride once again wrinkled up her nose.
"What's wrong with your knees?" she asked. "They're all lumpy and deformed!"
"As a child, I also had kneasles, "he explained.
"You mean measles?" she asked.
"No, kneasles. It was a strange illness that only affected my knees."
The new bride had to be satisfied with this answer. As the undressing continued, her husband at last removed his underwear.
"Don't tell me," she said. "Let me guess.....Small Cox?"
Testosteron
A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.
"Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I`m afraid that you`re giving me too much. I`ve started growing hair in places that I`ve never grown hair before."
The doctor reassured her. "A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?"
"On my balls."
Best Comeback Line Ever
In summary, the police arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22-year-old white male, resident of Dacula, GA, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38 p.m. on Friday. Lawrence will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the Gwinnett County courthouse on Monday.
The suspect explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview.
Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need."
"I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment. In the process, Lawrence apparently failed to notice a Gwinnett County police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him.
"It was an unusual situation, that's for sure," said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Lawrence) and he's just working away at this pumpkin."
Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence. "I just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there, and then looked me straight in the face and said,
"A pumpkin? Damn, is it midnight already?"
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Whats the Difference?
What's the difference between a policeman's truncheon, and a magician's wand?
One is for cunning stunts, the other is for ... apprehending criminals.
Hubby loses interest in sex
A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.
About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."
The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
The lady replied, "Nah, that's okay. We're not welcome back at Denny's anyway."
Cheese Sandwich
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar-
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your bloody hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
What's the difference between a policeman's truncheon, and a magician's wand?
One is for cunning stunts, the other is for ... apprehending criminals.
Hubby loses interest in sex
A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex. He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner. At dinner that night, she does just that.
About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said. It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."
The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
The lady replied, "Nah, that's okay. We're not welcome back at Denny's anyway."
Cheese Sandwich
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar-
Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
"Yes?" she enquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"
"I was wondering", whispers the man, "Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"
"Yes", she purrs, "I am."
The man replies "Well wash your bloody hands, I want a cheese sandwich!"
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Barbie
Why does Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken comes in another box.
Ladies Rooms
A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"
Chicken Coop
A little boy and a little girl go every day to play in a chicken coop. One day the little girl comes up to the little boy and says, "We can't play in the chicken coop anymore."
The little boy asks, "Why not?"
The little girl answers, "'Cause I'm growing feathers."
The little boy stares at her in disbelief and says, "No way. Show me."
So she pulls down her pants. He thinks about it for a little while and decides it's not that big of a deal, so they both decide to continue playing in the chicken coop.
A few weeks later the little boy comes up to the little girl and says, "We can't play in the chicken coop anymore."
"Why not?" she asks.
"'Cause," he says, "I'm growing feathers, too."
She looks at him in disbelief and says, "No way. Show me!"
So he pulls down his pants. The little girl's eyes widen, and she says, "You're not just growing feathers, you're also growing a neck and a gizzard!"
Why does Barbie never get pregnant?
Because Ken comes in another box.
Ladies Rooms
A man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mensroom door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR".
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway.
He carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immedately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!". Still curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR".
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!" The nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your penis is under your pillow!"
Chicken Coop
A little boy and a little girl go every day to play in a chicken coop. One day the little girl comes up to the little boy and says, "We can't play in the chicken coop anymore."
The little boy asks, "Why not?"
The little girl answers, "'Cause I'm growing feathers."
The little boy stares at her in disbelief and says, "No way. Show me."
So she pulls down her pants. He thinks about it for a little while and decides it's not that big of a deal, so they both decide to continue playing in the chicken coop.
A few weeks later the little boy comes up to the little girl and says, "We can't play in the chicken coop anymore."
"Why not?" she asks.
"'Cause," he says, "I'm growing feathers, too."
She looks at him in disbelief and says, "No way. Show me!"
So he pulls down his pants. The little girl's eyes widen, and she says, "You're not just growing feathers, you're also growing a neck and a gizzard!"
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Microsoft
After having sex, Bill Gate's Wife commented; "Now I know why you call your company MicroSoft!"
Girls' Night Out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'
Rectum Stretcher
This guy is flying down the road in his EB Z06; and he comes over the top of a bridge, sure enough,on the other side there is sitting a cop with a radar gun.
The cop pulls the guy over,walks up to the car and asks "What's the hurry?"
The guy replies, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah", says the cop, "what do you do?"
The guy responds, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says "A rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"
The guy says,"Well, I start with one finger,then I work my way up to two fingers, then three,then four,then my whole hand,then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide"
The cop asks, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?'
The guy replies, "You give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge..."
After having sex, Bill Gate's Wife commented; "Now I know why you call your company MicroSoft!"
Girls' Night Out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.
The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.
The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'
Rectum Stretcher
This guy is flying down the road in his EB Z06; and he comes over the top of a bridge, sure enough,on the other side there is sitting a cop with a radar gun.
The cop pulls the guy over,walks up to the car and asks "What's the hurry?"
The guy replies, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah", says the cop, "what do you do?"
The guy responds, "I'm a rectum stretcher."
The cop says "A rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?"
The guy says,"Well, I start with one finger,then I work my way up to two fingers, then three,then four,then my whole hand,then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it's about 6 foot wide"
The cop asks, "What the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?'
The guy replies, "You give him a radar gun and park him at the end of a bridge..."
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Kermit
Q. What is green and smells like pork?
A. Kermits finger.
Embarrasing Moment!
An old lady was doing her shopping at the local department store. She picked up all her purchases and pushed her cart to the counter. As the checkout operator was scanning her items he realised that the very last item did not have a price tag or barcode. The checkout operator had to do a price check over the loud speaker so he pressed the button and stated the following message: "Price check on Tampax Tampons Mega-Size!" The woman was obviously embarrased as near-by shoppers turned and looked towards her. Meanwhile, the shop attendant at the rear of the store who heard the call misheard the word 'Tampax' for 'Thumb Tacks'. The attendant then replied back over the speaker, in a very business like tone,he announced the following message: "Do you mean the ones you can push in with your thumb, or the ones you have to pound with a hammer?" The poor woman buried her head in her hands and ran out of the store!
Hunters
Why do all women like hunters?
Because they go deep in the bush.
shoot twice.
and eat what they shoot.
Q. What is green and smells like pork?
A. Kermits finger.
Embarrasing Moment!
An old lady was doing her shopping at the local department store. She picked up all her purchases and pushed her cart to the counter. As the checkout operator was scanning her items he realised that the very last item did not have a price tag or barcode. The checkout operator had to do a price check over the loud speaker so he pressed the button and stated the following message: "Price check on Tampax Tampons Mega-Size!" The woman was obviously embarrased as near-by shoppers turned and looked towards her. Meanwhile, the shop attendant at the rear of the store who heard the call misheard the word 'Tampax' for 'Thumb Tacks'. The attendant then replied back over the speaker, in a very business like tone,he announced the following message: "Do you mean the ones you can push in with your thumb, or the ones you have to pound with a hammer?" The poor woman buried her head in her hands and ran out of the store!
Hunters
Why do all women like hunters?
Because they go deep in the bush.
shoot twice.
and eat what they shoot.
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Difference Between Being Kinky And Perverted
What is the difference between being kinky and being perverted?
When you are kinky, you use a feather.
When you are perverted, you use the whole damn chicken.
Mint Birth Control Pill
The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new mint-flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
The pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
They're going to be called . . . "Pre-dick-a-mints!"
Christmas Is Cancelled
T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night...
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits.
They want the impossible ...Those mean little sh*ts.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads,
I made a ton of yoyo's - No request for them...
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM.
Flying through the air...dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason...
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
What is the difference between being kinky and being perverted?
When you are kinky, you use a feather.
When you are perverted, you use the whole damn chicken.
Mint Birth Control Pill
The Cadbury's Candy Co. and Merck Drug Co. have combined to market the new mint-flavored birth control pill that women may take immediately before sex.
The pill will be distributed by the large major drug store chains and Wal-Mart's Pharmacies.
They're going to be called . . . "Pre-dick-a-mints!"
Christmas Is Cancelled
T'was the night before Christmas - Old Santa was pissed.
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list.
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks.
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works.
I've busted my ass for damn near a year.
Instead of "Thanks Santa" - what do I hear?
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night...
The elves want more money - The reindeer all fight.
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids.
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS.
And just when I thought that things would get better,
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter.
They say I owe taxes - if that ain't damn funny.
Who the hell ever sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days - they all are the pits.
They want the impossible ...Those mean little sh*ts.
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds,
Assembling dolls...Their arms, legs and heads,
I made a ton of yoyo's - No request for them...
They want computers and robots...they think I'm IBM.
Flying through the air...dodging the trees,
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees.
I'm quitting this job...there's just no enjoyment.
I'll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment.
There's no Christmas this year...now you know the reason...
I found me a blonde. I'm going SOUTH for the season!
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Every Time A Fly Drops Six Inches
There was a fly hovering six inches above a pond. There was a fish in the pond that said, "If that fly dropped six inches, I could get it." A bear was behind the fish and he said, "If that fly dropped six inches, the fish would get the fly, and I would get the fish." A hunter was behind the bear and he said, "If that fly dropped six inches, the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, and I would get the bear." A mouse happened to be behind the hunter, and he said, "If that fly dropped six inches, the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, the hunter would get the bear, and I would get the piece of cheese in the hunter's back pocket." There was a cat behind the mouse and he said, "If that fly dropped six inches, the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, the hunter would get the bear, the mouse would get the cheese, and I would get the mouse." So the fly dropped six inches. The fish got the fly, the bear got the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the cheese, and the cat went for the mouse but missed and landed in the pond. What's the moral of this story?
Every time a fly drops six inches a pussy gets wet.
Senior's Guide to Sex
Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
Don't even think about trying it twice.
A Dog Named Sex
Everybody I know usually calls their dog Rover or Spot. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk I'd like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "She is a dog!!"
He said he didnt care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand, I had Sex since I was 9 years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the weddimg. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life, and my life revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everybody would like having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand! Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, Sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around, and I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said. "I hoped to have Sex on TV!"
He called me a 'show off'!
When my wife and I split, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married, but Sex left me after I was married."
The judge said, "Me too!!"
Last night, Sex ran off again, and I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up next Thursday.
Well, now I have been thrown in jail, been divorced, and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with my shrink, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all of my life, but now it has left me forever, I couldn't live any longer, so lonely!"
And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend, so get your self a dog."
There was a fly hovering six inches above a pond. There was a fish in the pond that said, "If that fly dropped six inches, I could get it." A bear was behind the fish and he said, "If that fly dropped six inches, the fish would get the fly, and I would get the fish." A hunter was behind the bear and he said, "If that fly dropped six inches, the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, and I would get the bear." A mouse happened to be behind the hunter, and he said, "If that fly dropped six inches, the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, the hunter would get the bear, and I would get the piece of cheese in the hunter's back pocket." There was a cat behind the mouse and he said, "If that fly dropped six inches, the fish would get the fly, the bear would get the fish, the hunter would get the bear, the mouse would get the cheese, and I would get the mouse." So the fly dropped six inches. The fish got the fly, the bear got the fish, the hunter got the bear, the mouse got the cheese, and the cat went for the mouse but missed and landed in the pond. What's the moral of this story?
Every time a fly drops six inches a pussy gets wet.
Senior's Guide to Sex
Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
Don't even think about trying it twice.
A Dog Named Sex
Everybody I know usually calls their dog Rover or Spot. I called mine Sex. Now Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk I'd like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "She is a dog!!"
He said he didnt care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand, I had Sex since I was 9 years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the weddimg. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life, and my life revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everybody would like having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand! Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, Sex ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around, and I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said. "I hoped to have Sex on TV!"
He called me a 'show off'!
When my wife and I split, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married, but Sex left me after I was married."
The judge said, "Me too!!"
Last night, Sex ran off again, and I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said "I'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up next Thursday.
Well, now I have been thrown in jail, been divorced, and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why, just the other day when I went for my first session with my shrink, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all of my life, but now it has left me forever, I couldn't live any longer, so lonely!"
And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand sex isn't a man's best friend, so get your self a dog."
Free Daily Adult Jokes
Don't Fart In Bed!
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
A Groom's Tale
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test . . . we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
3 Advantages
3 advantages of getting a $50 note tatooed on your penis:
1. You can play with your money.
2. You can see your money grow.
3. Your woman can blow as much money as she wants.
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.
The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes!
After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right." "All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
A Groom's Tale
I was a very happy person. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me . . . it was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was braless. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a pleasant view of her private parts. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping! With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test . . . we couldn't ask for better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
Always keep your condoms in your car!
3 Advantages
3 advantages of getting a $50 note tatooed on your penis:
1. You can play with your money.
2. You can see your money grow.
3. Your woman can blow as much money as she wants.
Free Daily Adult Jokes
The Dogs
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.
"My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I wet all over the backseat. I'm here to be put down." The other two dogs nodded sympatheticly, then the second, a Kelpie, explained his situation.
"A brand new Persian rug had just been placed in the loungeroom, and it was very expensive. My owners made a big fuss of it, when it came. Then, once when I was in the room, I had an incredible urge to roll all over it. So I did, and ended up getting quite a bit of my fur over the mat. My owners were very annoyed, and sent me here to be put to sleep." The other two dogs nodded, and the first dog asked the third, a German Shepard, what he was there for.
"My owner has this habit of cleaning the house in the nude, and once when she was cleaning under the sofa, I just couldn't help myself. I jumped on and had the ride of my life." The other dogs tut-tutted.
"So you're here to be put down too?" he asked. The Shepard shook his head.
"No, just to get my nails clipped!"
A Weird Visit
There was a husband and a wife that loved to have sex. They had it everywhere and tried everything.
One day they both decided that it was getting old, the same thing over and over again and they wanted to try something new.
Later that night a space ship landed outside their window and two aliens came out. They were husband and wife and were gettin sick of the same thing over and over again too. So the male alien asks the female human if she would have sex with him and she agrees.
Same thing with the female alien and the male human.
The male alien and the female human go to the bed and the male alien pulls down his pants. But the felmale human sees it and says, "It's too small." Then the male alien replies, "Pull on my ear to make it the size you want." The female human keeps pulling his ear until it's the right size.
The next morning the aliens leave and the male human says, "How did you like last night?", and his wife answers, "It was great and you?"
The husband exclaims, "It was horrible! She kept pulling on my ear!!"
Looks terrible, feels great!
Mr. Smith goes downstairs in the morning and his doorman says, "Mr. Smith, how are you?" Smith says, "I feel great." Doorman says, "But you look terrible!" Smith says, "But I feel great."
When Smith gets to the office, his secretary asks him how he is. He says, "I feel great!" She says, "But you look terrible." He says, "But I feel great." Smith goes to lunch with his friend and they have just the same conversation. His friend insists that he goes to the doctor and so that is what Mar Smith does.
The doctor asks what the problem is. Smith says, "I feel great but I look terrible." DR says, "I don't know that ailment so I'll look in my medical book." The doctor takes out a huge tome. "Feels great, looks terrible..." he says as he turns the pages, "Feels great, looks terrible.... Feels gre... I've got it!! You're a vagina!"
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's, discussing why they were there. The first dog, a poodle, told his woeful tale.
"My owners bought the great new sports car with leather seats. They took me for a ride in it one day, and I was so excited, I couldn't help myself. I wet all over the backseat. I'm here to be put down." The other two dogs nodded sympatheticly, then the second, a Kelpie, explained his situation.
"A brand new Persian rug had just been placed in the loungeroom, and it was very expensive. My owners made a big fuss of it, when it came. Then, once when I was in the room, I had an incredible urge to roll all over it. So I did, and ended up getting quite a bit of my fur over the mat. My owners were very annoyed, and sent me here to be put to sleep." The other two dogs nodded, and the first dog asked the third, a German Shepard, what he was there for.
"My owner has this habit of cleaning the house in the nude, and once when she was cleaning under the sofa, I just couldn't help myself. I jumped on and had the ride of my life." The other dogs tut-tutted.
"So you're here to be put down too?" he asked. The Shepard shook his head.
"No, just to get my nails clipped!"
A Weird Visit
There was a husband and a wife that loved to have sex. They had it everywhere and tried everything.
One day they both decided that it was getting old, the same thing over and over again and they wanted to try something new.
Later that night a space ship landed outside their window and two aliens came out. They were husband and wife and were gettin sick of the same thing over and over again too. So the male alien asks the female human if she would have sex with him and she agrees.
Same thing with the female alien and the male human.
The male alien and the female human go to the bed and the male alien pulls down his pants. But the felmale human sees it and says, "It's too small." Then the male alien replies, "Pull on my ear to make it the size you want." The female human keeps pulling his ear until it's the right size.
The next morning the aliens leave and the male human says, "How did you like last night?", and his wife answers, "It was great and you?"
The husband exclaims, "It was horrible! She kept pulling on my ear!!"
Looks terrible, feels great!
Mr. Smith goes downstairs in the morning and his doorman says, "Mr. Smith, how are you?" Smith says, "I feel great." Doorman says, "But you look terrible!" Smith says, "But I feel great."
When Smith gets to the office, his secretary asks him how he is. He says, "I feel great!" She says, "But you look terrible." He says, "But I feel great." Smith goes to lunch with his friend and they have just the same conversation. His friend insists that he goes to the doctor and so that is what Mar Smith does.
The doctor asks what the problem is. Smith says, "I feel great but I look terrible." DR says, "I don't know that ailment so I'll look in my medical book." The doctor takes out a huge tome. "Feels great, looks terrible..." he says as he turns the pages, "Feels great, looks terrible.... Feels gre... I've got it!! You're a vagina!"
Free Daily Adult Jokes
Golf
In a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yerz, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Well", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything.
Super Pussy
An ederly man is waiting for his wife to come to bed. While he is waiting, she decides to add a little spice into there 50 year marriage. She gets completely naked and throws on her robe, for a little flying adventure. She comes out of the room at top speed, rips off her robe and yells, SUPER PUSSY!!! The man looks at her and says "I'll have the soup!"
School Teachers
Why do school teachers make the best wives?
Because if they're not happy the way you did it, they make you do it over and over again.
In a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside. The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Top of the mornin' to yerz, sir" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Irishman.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving", says Tiger.
"Well", says the Irishman, "Dem boys at BMW tink of everything.
Super Pussy
An ederly man is waiting for his wife to come to bed. While he is waiting, she decides to add a little spice into there 50 year marriage. She gets completely naked and throws on her robe, for a little flying adventure. She comes out of the room at top speed, rips off her robe and yells, SUPER PUSSY!!! The man looks at her and says "I'll have the soup!"
School Teachers
Why do school teachers make the best wives?
Because if they're not happy the way you did it, they make you do it over and over again.
Free Daily Adult Jokes
The Potato
Frenchie finds himself on vacation in Florida. He goes to the beach to cruise some cute American girls. Having no luck, he sees this blond Apollo type American lifeguard surrounded by Baywatch beauties. Hey you Monsieur the Americain! says Frenchie, how to you get all zee beautiful ladies like that? The American lifeguard replies, listen Frenchie, our girls like to see a big bulge in our bathing suit. Try putting a big potato in your swim trunks, and you'll see what I mean.
10 minutes later Frenchie comes back to the lifeguard, his face now a bright red. You American, you lied to me. I put zee big potato in my trunk, but all zee ladies, they all slapped my face hard. The lifeguard smiling replies...Oh Frenchie! the potato, it goes in the front..NOT IN THE BACK!
Birth Control
Q:What is the best form of birth control for people over 50.
A:Nudity
What's The Difference.....
What's the difference between "oooo" and "ahhhhhh"?
Three inches.
Frenchie finds himself on vacation in Florida. He goes to the beach to cruise some cute American girls. Having no luck, he sees this blond Apollo type American lifeguard surrounded by Baywatch beauties. Hey you Monsieur the Americain! says Frenchie, how to you get all zee beautiful ladies like that? The American lifeguard replies, listen Frenchie, our girls like to see a big bulge in our bathing suit. Try putting a big potato in your swim trunks, and you'll see what I mean.
10 minutes later Frenchie comes back to the lifeguard, his face now a bright red. You American, you lied to me. I put zee big potato in my trunk, but all zee ladies, they all slapped my face hard. The lifeguard smiling replies...Oh Frenchie! the potato, it goes in the front..NOT IN THE BACK!
Birth Control
Q:What is the best form of birth control for people over 50.
A:Nudity
What's The Difference.....
What's the difference between "oooo" and "ahhhhhh"?
Three inches.
Free Daily Adult Jokes
Condoms
A teenage boy who is a virgin is told by his long time girlfriend that they will finally have sex. But first she tells him, he must buy condoms.
Off he goes to the drug store where he study's the rows and rows of different types of rubbers. He finally chooses the style he thinks will pleasure his girlfriend most and redfaced makes his way to the checkout counter.
The clerk rings in the boys purchase and says "That will be $5.99 plus tax".
"Tax?" the shocked boy says. "I thought they stayed on by temselves."
Mashed Potatoes
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night at dinner, she does just that.
About a week later she`s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn`t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!"
The doctor says, "I`m sorry, we didn`t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Nah," she says, "that`s okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
Little Johnny
Little Johnny's Christmas
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up.. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree.. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a damn dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
A teenage boy who is a virgin is told by his long time girlfriend that they will finally have sex. But first she tells him, he must buy condoms.
Off he goes to the drug store where he study's the rows and rows of different types of rubbers. He finally chooses the style he thinks will pleasure his girlfriend most and redfaced makes his way to the checkout counter.
The clerk rings in the boys purchase and says "That will be $5.99 plus tax".
"Tax?" the shocked boy says. "I thought they stayed on by temselves."
Mashed Potatoes
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night at dinner, she does just that.
About a week later she`s back at the doctor, where she says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn`t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off and ravaged me right there on the table!"
The doctor says, "I`m sorry, we didn`t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
"Nah," she says, "that`s okay. We're never going back to that restaurant anyway."
Little Johnny
Little Johnny's Christmas
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up.. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree.. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a damn dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
Free Daily Adult Jokes
Voodoo Penis
A certain married couple had a very healthy sex life. They had sex everyday; in the shower, on the kitchen counter, everywhere imaginable. In fact the wife was somewhat of a nymphomaniac.
One day the husband announced that he would be going on a week-long business trip. Deciding that she couldn't go the week without sex she decided to visit a sex shop after she dropped him off at the airport. She was looking at the selections of dildo's and could not find what she was looking for. She asked the man at the counter if he had anything really special. The man hesistated, looked around the shop, and took a deep breath, "I really shouldn't be showing you this, but you look like a very special lady." He took an old looking wooden box out from under the counter and removed the lid. As the woman looked inside she announced that it was just like any other in the store. The man said, "Ah, but you see, it most certainly is not! It is the voodoo penis and all you have to do is say "voodoo penis" and then where ever you want it to go." The man decided to demonstrate the powers of the "voodoo penis". He commanded, "VOODOO PENIS, THE DOOR!" The dildo rose from the box and began its work on the door. The door began to buckle and sway. Splinters of wood flew around the room. The man yelled, "Voodoo Penis, return to the box!" The woman was so impressed with it she bought it right away and took it straight home.
The woman, excited to try it, undressed and commanded, "Voodoo Penis my crotch!" The penis went straight to pumping. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she decided that it was enough, only she had forgotten how to return it to the box. After tugging for what seemed like hours, she decided to drive to the hospital for help.
She put her clothes back on and began to drive, quivering with each thrust of the dildo. After one intense orgasm she swerved all over the road. A policeman ,seeing this, pulled her over, and asked her if she had had something to drink.
She replied that she had a voodoo penis stuck in her crotch and it would not stop screwing her. The policeman smiled and in an arrogant tone of voice said, "Voodoo Penis, My ASS!"
In Mourning
A woman had just lost her husband. So she meets a guy who is instantly interested in her. Well he is a patient guy and decides to be nice to her.
Well one day they go away on a vacation and soon things get heated up, but she takes everything off except for her black panties. So he asks her "Why the black panties?" So she says "Well I haven't finished moarning down there." So he says "ok". Anyway this goes on for two days and on the third day she notices that he has a black condom on. So she asks him, "What's with the black condom?" So he replies, "I want to show you just how sorry I am."
Granny's Night Out
Ida and Dorothy finally dragged Agnus out for her 60th birthday. Even though a strip club isn't exactly what Agnus had in mind she will still try and have a little fun.
After a few beers and 20 or so dollar bills Ida descides she is going to start playing with the big dogs. Ida crawls up on the stage and puts a 50 dollar bill in a young mans thong. Feeling exhilerated she sits back down at the table where Dorothy claims "Watch this!"
Dorothy climbs up to the stage and hand grinds a 100 dollar bill into the young man's thong.
Ida, feeling a little upstaged, claims "Show Dorothy what you got Agnus".
Agnus, realizing she hadn't brought any cash, begins to turn bright red as she heads slowly up to the stage. She dances with the young man anyway and comes across a brilliant idea....
She whips out her credit card and waves it towards Dorothy and Ida, she then screams "I'm gonna slide this baby right through his crack!!"
A certain married couple had a very healthy sex life. They had sex everyday; in the shower, on the kitchen counter, everywhere imaginable. In fact the wife was somewhat of a nymphomaniac.
One day the husband announced that he would be going on a week-long business trip. Deciding that she couldn't go the week without sex she decided to visit a sex shop after she dropped him off at the airport. She was looking at the selections of dildo's and could not find what she was looking for. She asked the man at the counter if he had anything really special. The man hesistated, looked around the shop, and took a deep breath, "I really shouldn't be showing you this, but you look like a very special lady." He took an old looking wooden box out from under the counter and removed the lid. As the woman looked inside she announced that it was just like any other in the store. The man said, "Ah, but you see, it most certainly is not! It is the voodoo penis and all you have to do is say "voodoo penis" and then where ever you want it to go." The man decided to demonstrate the powers of the "voodoo penis". He commanded, "VOODOO PENIS, THE DOOR!" The dildo rose from the box and began its work on the door. The door began to buckle and sway. Splinters of wood flew around the room. The man yelled, "Voodoo Penis, return to the box!" The woman was so impressed with it she bought it right away and took it straight home.
The woman, excited to try it, undressed and commanded, "Voodoo Penis my crotch!" The penis went straight to pumping. After three mind-shattering orgasms, she decided that it was enough, only she had forgotten how to return it to the box. After tugging for what seemed like hours, she decided to drive to the hospital for help.
She put her clothes back on and began to drive, quivering with each thrust of the dildo. After one intense orgasm she swerved all over the road. A policeman ,seeing this, pulled her over, and asked her if she had had something to drink.
She replied that she had a voodoo penis stuck in her crotch and it would not stop screwing her. The policeman smiled and in an arrogant tone of voice said, "Voodoo Penis, My ASS!"
In Mourning
A woman had just lost her husband. So she meets a guy who is instantly interested in her. Well he is a patient guy and decides to be nice to her.
Well one day they go away on a vacation and soon things get heated up, but she takes everything off except for her black panties. So he asks her "Why the black panties?" So she says "Well I haven't finished moarning down there." So he says "ok". Anyway this goes on for two days and on the third day she notices that he has a black condom on. So she asks him, "What's with the black condom?" So he replies, "I want to show you just how sorry I am."
Granny's Night Out
Ida and Dorothy finally dragged Agnus out for her 60th birthday. Even though a strip club isn't exactly what Agnus had in mind she will still try and have a little fun.
After a few beers and 20 or so dollar bills Ida descides she is going to start playing with the big dogs. Ida crawls up on the stage and puts a 50 dollar bill in a young mans thong. Feeling exhilerated she sits back down at the table where Dorothy claims "Watch this!"
Dorothy climbs up to the stage and hand grinds a 100 dollar bill into the young man's thong.
Ida, feeling a little upstaged, claims "Show Dorothy what you got Agnus".
Agnus, realizing she hadn't brought any cash, begins to turn bright red as she heads slowly up to the stage. She dances with the young man anyway and comes across a brilliant idea....
She whips out her credit card and waves it towards Dorothy and Ida, she then screams "I'm gonna slide this baby right through his crack!!"
Free Daily Adult Jokes
Lesbian Dinosaurs
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotapus
Lucky Frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood
Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God, or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
A Dozen Condoms
A father and his little boy went into a local drugstore to pick up a prescription. While in the store. the little boy was browsing around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. The little boy looked at all the brightly coloured packages and the different types and quantities.
Then, suddenly, the little boy finds his father and asks him, "Daddy, what are all those condoms?" The father, stuttered, and said, "Well, they are for protection, son. Protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love."
The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked, "Then why do these come in a package of three? The father coyly answered, "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon."
"UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then, why are these in packages of six?" The father smirked, "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two Sunday afternoon."
"WOW" said the little boy in amazement. He then asked, "Well, then, why are these packaged a dozen at a time?" The father answered, "Those, my son, are for married men. One for January, one for February...."
What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
Lickalotapus
Lucky Frog
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."
The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood
Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6."
Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.
Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God, or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
A Dozen Condoms
A father and his little boy went into a local drugstore to pick up a prescription. While in the store. the little boy was browsing around and came upon a rather large display for condoms. The little boy looked at all the brightly coloured packages and the different types and quantities.
Then, suddenly, the little boy finds his father and asks him, "Daddy, what are all those condoms?" The father, stuttered, and said, "Well, they are for protection, son. Protection from diseases when a man and a woman make love."
The little boy contemplated the concept for a few moments and then asked, "Then why do these come in a package of three? The father coyly answered, "Those are for young men in high school. One for Friday night, Saturday night, and Sunday afternoon."
"UH-HUH" said the little boy, "then, why are these in packages of six?" The father smirked, "Those are for young men in college. There are two for Friday night, two for Saturday, and two Sunday afternoon."
"WOW" said the little boy in amazement. He then asked, "Well, then, why are these packaged a dozen at a time?" The father answered, "Those, my son, are for married men. One for January, one for February...."
Free Daily Adult Jokes
Peaches For Sale
He knocked on the door and a very pretty young lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
The lady then opened the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
The lady said, "What in the world is wrong with you?"
Drying his eyes he said, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my cotton and now, I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."
The World's Longest Penis
The two guys with the biggest penises in the world wanted to have a contest. They wanted to see whose penis was the biggest. Not wanting everyone to see their contest they decided to walk from Brooklyn over the Verrazano Bridge to a Remote part of Staten Island. While walking over the bridge and seeing all of that water, they had to urinate. They each started to urinate over the side of the bridge. After about ten seconds the first guy said. "Whoooooo, this water is cold! Not to be out done, the other guy said. "Yes it is...And it's deep too!!!
Teenage Pregnancy
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period For two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house and a very mature and a very distinguished man with gray hair gets out of the car.
The man, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps up to the door and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother, and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I will take charge.
If a girl is born, I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a Beach villa, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it's twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage..."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him," If there's a miscarriage, you'll have to screw her again."
He knocked on the door and a very pretty young lady dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door.
He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?"
The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
The lady then opened the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
The lady said, "What in the world is wrong with you?"
Drying his eyes he said, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my cotton and now, I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."
The World's Longest Penis
The two guys with the biggest penises in the world wanted to have a contest. They wanted to see whose penis was the biggest. Not wanting everyone to see their contest they decided to walk from Brooklyn over the Verrazano Bridge to a Remote part of Staten Island. While walking over the bridge and seeing all of that water, they had to urinate. They each started to urinate over the side of the bridge. After about ten seconds the first guy said. "Whoooooo, this water is cold! Not to be out done, the other guy said. "Yes it is...And it's deep too!!!
Teenage Pregnancy
An eighteen-year-old girl tells her mom that she has missed her period For two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit.
The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, and crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!!"
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.
Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house and a very mature and a very distinguished man with gray hair gets out of the car.
The man, impeccably dressed in a very expensive suit, steps up to the door and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, the mother, and the girl, and tells them, "Good morning. Your daughter has informed me of the problem. However, I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I will take charge.
If a girl is born, I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a Beach villa, and a $1,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If it's twins, a factory and $1,000,000 each.
However, if there is a miscarriage..."
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him," If there's a miscarriage, you'll have to screw her again."
Free Daily Adult Jokes
Student
Q:Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
A:You can unscrew a lightbulb
Hard Egg
Q: What did the egg say to the hot water?
A: It might take me a while to get hard because i just got laid!
The Flasher
One early afternoon, two old ladies were sitting and talking in a park. Along came a flasher, who flashed the two old ladies. One old lady had a stroke...but the other couldn't reach.
Q:Whats the difference between a pregnant woman and a lightbulb?
A:You can unscrew a lightbulb
Hard Egg
Q: What did the egg say to the hot water?
A: It might take me a while to get hard because i just got laid!
The Flasher
One early afternoon, two old ladies were sitting and talking in a park. Along came a flasher, who flashed the two old ladies. One old lady had a stroke...but the other couldn't reach.
Free Daily Adult Jokes
Coconut Tree
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Lift up your nuts this is gonna be one hell of a blow job.
Genie
One day, a husband and wife were out playing golf. The husband was having trouble teaching his wife how to play, as she was quite bad.
As the wife took her shot, she aimed it badly and the ball went right through the window of a nearby house.
"Now look what your lack of skills has gotten us into! We will have to go up there and apoligise!" proclaimed the husband.
The couple knocked on the door, and it was opened by a young man in his thirties. The couple saw the broken window, and a broken bottle near it.
"I'm terribly sorry about your window", said the husband. "What can we do?"
"Well", replied the man, "i must thank you. You see, I'm a genie and have been trapped in that bottle for over 500 years. So, as your genie, you have 3 wishes. But, if you wouldnt mind, I would like to keep one for myself?"
The husband and wife pondered this, and thought it acceptable.
"Fantastic", proclaimed the genie. "So, what are your wishes?"
The husband replied, "I would like 10 million pounds a year for the rest of my life".
"No problem", said the Genie. "And i will give you a long and healthy life too!"
It was the wife's turn. "I would like a mansion in every country in the world, complete with servants."
"No problem", said the Genie. "And i will keep your home safe from bad weather and burgalars! And now for my wish. I have been stuck in that bottle for a very long time, and have forgotten what it feels like to be with a woman. If i could just spend some time with you, to fulfil my needs?"
The husband and wife pondered this and the wife asked her husband, "Honey, what do you think?"
"Well sweetheart, I think it's O.K. I love you, and would do the same for you."
So after an afternoon of the genie and wife enjoying and pleasuring each other, the Genie asked the wife, "How old are you and your husband?"
"We're both in our thirties. Why?" she replied.
"Wow, thirty years old, and you both still believe in genies?"
Buying a Horse
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.
Q: What did the hurricane say to the coconut tree?
A: Lift up your nuts this is gonna be one hell of a blow job.
Genie
One day, a husband and wife were out playing golf. The husband was having trouble teaching his wife how to play, as she was quite bad.
As the wife took her shot, she aimed it badly and the ball went right through the window of a nearby house.
"Now look what your lack of skills has gotten us into! We will have to go up there and apoligise!" proclaimed the husband.
The couple knocked on the door, and it was opened by a young man in his thirties. The couple saw the broken window, and a broken bottle near it.
"I'm terribly sorry about your window", said the husband. "What can we do?"
"Well", replied the man, "i must thank you. You see, I'm a genie and have been trapped in that bottle for over 500 years. So, as your genie, you have 3 wishes. But, if you wouldnt mind, I would like to keep one for myself?"
The husband and wife pondered this, and thought it acceptable.
"Fantastic", proclaimed the genie. "So, what are your wishes?"
The husband replied, "I would like 10 million pounds a year for the rest of my life".
"No problem", said the Genie. "And i will give you a long and healthy life too!"
It was the wife's turn. "I would like a mansion in every country in the world, complete with servants."
"No problem", said the Genie. "And i will keep your home safe from bad weather and burgalars! And now for my wish. I have been stuck in that bottle for a very long time, and have forgotten what it feels like to be with a woman. If i could just spend some time with you, to fulfil my needs?"
The husband and wife pondered this and the wife asked her husband, "Honey, what do you think?"
"Well sweetheart, I think it's O.K. I love you, and would do the same for you."
So after an afternoon of the genie and wife enjoying and pleasuring each other, the Genie asked the wife, "How old are you and your husband?"
"We're both in our thirties. Why?" she replied.
"Wow, thirty years old, and you both still believe in genies?"
Buying a Horse
Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.
Free Daily Adult Jokes
Cousins
Q. Where do cousins come from?
A. Aunt-holes
Head 'n Shoulders
So there's a blonde 'n a brunette riding in an elevator when it stops on the 6th floor and a man gets on. Well, they notice that he has some dandruff on his shoulder but politely decline to say anything until the man leaves two floors later. The brunette then turns to the blonde 'n says, "someone needs to give that poor guy some Head 'n Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
Blonde Coffin
Q. Why did the blonde have a triangular coffin?
A. Because as soon as her head hits a pillow she spreads her legs.
Q. Where do cousins come from?
A. Aunt-holes
Head 'n Shoulders
So there's a blonde 'n a brunette riding in an elevator when it stops on the 6th floor and a man gets on. Well, they notice that he has some dandruff on his shoulder but politely decline to say anything until the man leaves two floors later. The brunette then turns to the blonde 'n says, "someone needs to give that poor guy some Head 'n Shoulders." To which the blonde replies, "How do you give shoulders?"
Blonde Coffin
Q. Why did the blonde have a triangular coffin?
A. Because as soon as her head hits a pillow she spreads her legs.
Free Daily Adult Jokes
tooooooo long
A man goes to a doctor because he thinks his penis is simply way too long. It makes it hard to get into clothes comfortably; it sometimes scares the ladies too. It also seems to impair his speech.
After his consultation and exam, the doctor schedules him for surgery to shorten his penis a remarkable seven inches, leaving seven in place.
The patient says, " Dddoctor, ddo yyyooou tthhink I willll bbbe hhapppy aafterr tthhe ssssurggery?"
The doctor assures him he'll find the normal life easier to deal with and the surgery is performed.
But at the post-operative visit, the patient says, "Doctor, I can't believe I lost my studder since the surgery! It is remarkable. But, I have to say I do miss the extra length! Is there anyway you could re-attach what you took off?"
"Nnnooooo wwwaaayyyyy!," replied the doctor!
A man's Intelligence
Why are men more intelligent during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius!
Newlyweds
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them,
"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon ... is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month ..." the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult ... however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."
"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible ... anything to keep our minds off sex.
Then one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man shame facially.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot any more either.
A man goes to a doctor because he thinks his penis is simply way too long. It makes it hard to get into clothes comfortably; it sometimes scares the ladies too. It also seems to impair his speech.
After his consultation and exam, the doctor schedules him for surgery to shorten his penis a remarkable seven inches, leaving seven in place.
The patient says, " Dddoctor, ddo yyyooou tthhink I willll bbbe hhapppy aafterr tthhe ssssurggery?"
The doctor assures him he'll find the normal life easier to deal with and the surgery is performed.
But at the post-operative visit, the patient says, "Doctor, I can't believe I lost my studder since the surgery! It is remarkable. But, I have to say I do miss the extra length! Is there anyway you could re-attach what you took off?"
"Nnnooooo wwwaaayyyyy!," replied the doctor!
A man's Intelligence
Why are men more intelligent during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius!
Newlyweds
A newlywed couple wanted to join a church. The pastor told them,
"We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from sex for one whole month."
The couple agreed and after two-and-a-half weeks returned to the Church.
When the pastor ushers them into his office, the wife is crying and the husband obviously very depressed.
"You are back so soon ... is there a problem?" the pastor inquired.
"We are terribly ashamed to admit that we did not manage to abstain from sex for the required month ..." the young man replied sadly.
The pastor asked him what happened.
"Well, the first week was difficult ... however, we managed to abstain through sheer willpower. The second week was terrible, but with the use of prayer, we managed to abstain."
"However, the third week was unbearable. We tried cold showers, prayer, reading from the Bible ... anything to keep our minds off sex.
Then one afternoon, my wife reached for a can of paint and dropped it. When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and had my way with her right then and there." admitted the man shame facially.
"You understand this means you will not be welcome in our church," stated the pastor.
"We know." said the young man, hanging his head. "We're not welcome at Home Depot any more either.
Free Daily Adult Jokes
The Bear and the Hunter
There once was a hunter who went bear hunting with a shotgun. He saw a bear, fired and missed. The bear grabbed him and raped him. He was real mad, so he left to purchase an M-16 and came back. He saw the same bear, fired and missed. The bear raped him again. By this time he was furious, so he bought a rocket launcher. He went into the woods, found the bear, and fired. As several trees were falling to the ground behind him, the bear put it's hands on it's hips and said, "You're not here for the huntin', are you?"
Orange Penis
A man awoke one morning and he noticed he had an orange penis.
Mistified by this he tested it, making sure everything was fine, and it was.
So he ignored it and went to work.
While in the urinal a friend looked over and seemed very suprised.
His friend said, "Dude! What happened, doesn't that hurt?!"
He said, "Nope, i just woke up and it was like that."
His friend replied, "You should get that looked at."
So after the man got done with work he went to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "This is a special case, what exactly did you do this weekend?"
The man said, "Not much, just ate cheetos and watched pornos..."
The King
The beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank's most important clients.
After a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. The proposal took the secretary by surprise and she was thinking of how to turn him down politely without jeopardising the bank's business relationship.
So she told the king that she would only marry him if he fulfilled three conditions. The king readily agreed. The secretary named her first condition. She would only marry him if he could give her a 75-carat diamond ring with matching 200 carat tiara.
The king thought for a while and said finally, "No problem! I have, I have".
One down, the lady thought up something more complex. "My second condition is that you must build me a 200 room mansion in the best district of New York City and for my holiday home, a chateau in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The king whipped out his cellular phone and after a lengthy conversation with his broker in New York, he said triumphantly, "OK, I build, I build".
Realising that she was down to her last defence, the lady thought hard. Finally, she smiled to herself thinking that her third condition was the best yet.
Surely the king could not possibly fulfil this one. "Well," she said, "You know, I love sex, so the man I marry MUST have a 14-inch long penis."
The king was silent and thoughtful for a long time, burying his face in his hands. Finally, he shook his head, and in a rather sad, resigned voice said, "OK, OK, I cut, I cut".
There once was a hunter who went bear hunting with a shotgun. He saw a bear, fired and missed. The bear grabbed him and raped him. He was real mad, so he left to purchase an M-16 and came back. He saw the same bear, fired and missed. The bear raped him again. By this time he was furious, so he bought a rocket launcher. He went into the woods, found the bear, and fired. As several trees were falling to the ground behind him, the bear put it's hands on it's hips and said, "You're not here for the huntin', are you?"
Orange Penis
A man awoke one morning and he noticed he had an orange penis.
Mistified by this he tested it, making sure everything was fine, and it was.
So he ignored it and went to work.
While in the urinal a friend looked over and seemed very suprised.
His friend said, "Dude! What happened, doesn't that hurt?!"
He said, "Nope, i just woke up and it was like that."
His friend replied, "You should get that looked at."
So after the man got done with work he went to the doctor.
The doctor asked, "This is a special case, what exactly did you do this weekend?"
The man said, "Not much, just ate cheetos and watched pornos..."
The King
The beautiful secretary of a bank president was asked to squire around the king of a wealthy African kingdom, one of the bank's most important clients.
After a day shopping & sightseeing, the king was utterly besotted with the lady, and asked for her hand in marriage. The proposal took the secretary by surprise and she was thinking of how to turn him down politely without jeopardising the bank's business relationship.
So she told the king that she would only marry him if he fulfilled three conditions. The king readily agreed. The secretary named her first condition. She would only marry him if he could give her a 75-carat diamond ring with matching 200 carat tiara.
The king thought for a while and said finally, "No problem! I have, I have".
One down, the lady thought up something more complex. "My second condition is that you must build me a 200 room mansion in the best district of New York City and for my holiday home, a chateau in the middle of the best wine country in France."
The king whipped out his cellular phone and after a lengthy conversation with his broker in New York, he said triumphantly, "OK, I build, I build".
Realising that she was down to her last defence, the lady thought hard. Finally, she smiled to herself thinking that her third condition was the best yet.
Surely the king could not possibly fulfil this one. "Well," she said, "You know, I love sex, so the man I marry MUST have a 14-inch long penis."
The king was silent and thoughtful for a long time, burying his face in his hands. Finally, he shook his head, and in a rather sad, resigned voice said, "OK, OK, I cut, I cut".
Free Daily Adult Jokes
Getting Weighed
Scott took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Mary?" asked Scott.
"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Scott again asked Mary what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Scott lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Scott figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Mary responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy, he just wouldn't way me.
First Day of School
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death?' "
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
"Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?' "
Again there was no response except from Toshiba. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."
As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Damned Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.
At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed and said, "I'm gonna throw up."
Teacher said, "Who said that?"
Again, Toshiba raised his hand and said, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Well suck my dick!"
Once again, it was Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."
Meow Meow
Once there was a woman who was deeply in love with a mysterious man. Then one night she got him all alone in his office and screamed meow meow look at me now!!,
but the man didn't. So the woman took off her top and screamed meow meow look at me now!!, but he didn't. So the woman look off her pants and screamed meow meow look at me now!!,
but the man didn't. So the woman took of her bra and screamed meow meow look at me now!!,
but the man didn't.So the woman took off her g-string and screamed meow meow look at me now!! one last time. The man then turned around and yelled woof woof i'm a poof!!.
Scott took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Mary?" asked Scott.
"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser.
He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale, it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next the couple went on the Ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Scott again asked Mary what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went.
Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Scott lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to go next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Scott figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Mary responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy, he just wouldn't way me.
First Day of School
It was the first day of school and a new student, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
The teacher greeted the class and said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said, 'Give me liberty or give me death?' "
She saw only a sea of blank faces, except for that of Toshiba, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," said the boy.
"Now," said the teacher, "who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people shall not perish from the earth?' "
Again there was no response except from Toshiba. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863."
The teacher snapped at the class, "You should be ashamed. Toshiba, who is new to our country, knows more about it than you do."
As she turned to write something on the blackboard, she heard a loud whisper, "Damned Japanese."
"Who said that?" she demanded.
Toshiba put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982," he said.
At that point, feeling completely disgusted by Toshiba's classroom superiority, a student in the back sighed and said, "I'm gonna throw up."
Teacher said, "Who said that?"
Again, Toshiba raised his hand and said, "George Bush to Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
Furious, another student yelled, "Oh yeah? Well suck my dick!"
Once again, it was Toshiba with the answer, "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997."
Meow Meow
Once there was a woman who was deeply in love with a mysterious man. Then one night she got him all alone in his office and screamed meow meow look at me now!!,
but the man didn't. So the woman took off her top and screamed meow meow look at me now!!, but he didn't. So the woman look off her pants and screamed meow meow look at me now!!,
but the man didn't. So the woman took of her bra and screamed meow meow look at me now!!,
but the man didn't.So the woman took off her g-string and screamed meow meow look at me now!! one last time. The man then turned around and yelled woof woof i'm a poof!!.
Free Daily Adult Jokes
Old Folks
An older couple were having a hard time making ends meet. The pension check was not getting them through the month. So the husband told his wife that it was her turn to make some money as he had carried them both for years and he was tired. She said what do you think I could do at my age to make money? He did not care what she came up with but still insisted that it was up to her. So that night, she decided to "sell herself". She got all dressed up and went out on the corner by their house and never came home until the next day at noon. When she was done, she proudly gave him 12 dollars and 5 cents. He asked her who gave her 5 cents??? She told him, every single one of them!
Ten Husbands
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Old Man
An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.
"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin.
"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"
"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."
"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."
"Thass right," said the old man with pride.
"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked.
"Sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."
"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"
"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em."
An older couple were having a hard time making ends meet. The pension check was not getting them through the month. So the husband told his wife that it was her turn to make some money as he had carried them both for years and he was tired. She said what do you think I could do at my age to make money? He did not care what she came up with but still insisted that it was up to her. So that night, she decided to "sell herself". She got all dressed up and went out on the corner by their house and never came home until the next day at noon. When she was done, she proudly gave him 12 dollars and 5 cents. He asked her who gave her 5 cents??? She told him, every single one of them!
Ten Husbands
10 Husbands, Still a Virgin
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist; all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist; all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
Old Man
An old man turned 115 and was being interviewed by a reporter for the local paper. During the interview the reporter noticed that the yard was full of children of all ages playing together. A very pretty girl of about 19 served the old man and the reporter, keeping them in fresh tea and running errands for them.
"Are these your grandkids?" the reporter asked.
"Naw, sir, they all be my younguns," the old man replied with a sly grin.
"Your kids?" said the reporter. "What about this beautiful young lady who keeps bringing us tea? Is she one of your children too?"
"Naw, sir," said the old man. "She be my wife."
"Your wife?" said the surprised reporter. "But she can't be more than 19 years old."
"Thass right," said the old man with pride.
"Well, surely you can't have a sex life with you being 115 and she being only 19," the reporter remarked.
"Sir, " said the old man. "We have sex every night. Every night two of my boys helps me on it, and every morning six of my boys helps me off."
"Wait just one minute," said the newspaperman. "Why does it only take two of your boys to put you on, but it takes six of them to take you off?"
"Cause," the spry old man said with a balled fist, "I fights 'em."
Free Daily Adult Jokes
Trouble Sleeping
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
Rubbers
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Gay Jew
What do you call a gay Jewish man?
A Heblew.
The woman seated herself in the psychiatrists office. "What seems to be the problem?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I, uh," she stammered. "I think I, uh, might be a nymphomaniac."
"I see," he said. "I can help you, but I must advise you that my fee is $80 an hour."
"That's not bad," she replied. "How much for all night?"
Rubbers
Q: What do you do with 365 used rubbers?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.
Gay Jew
What do you call a gay Jewish man?
A Heblew.
Free Daily Adult Jokes
The Difference
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again!
Doc, I've Got a Problem
A man visits his doctor.
"I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."
The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would die if they didn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?"
"Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the operation, he came back.
"Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue too."
Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant. "Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to agree to the operation.
But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go.
Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really want to die?", asked the doctor.
"But... how do I pee?"
"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."
"What?"
"Can you tell me what a hell is happening?"
So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and says, "Hmmmm, I think its the jeans......"
A man and his Penis
A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."
What's the difference between a drug dealer and a prostitute?
A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again!
Doc, I've Got a Problem
A man visits his doctor.
"I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."
The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would die if they didn't have his testicle removed.
"Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?"
"Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed. But two weeks after the operation, he came back.
"Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue too."
Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant. "Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to agree to the operation.
But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go.
Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really want to die?", asked the doctor.
"But... how do I pee?"
"We'll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the unfortunate man again returns the doctor's office. He is very angry.
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."
"What?"
"Can you tell me what a hell is happening?"
So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and says, "Hmmmm, I think its the jeans......"
A man and his Penis
A man went to his doctor and asked him how to prolong the lovemaking experience. The doctor told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer, extending the pleasure for them and their partner.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it."
He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he came up with a plan.
On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck.
Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate. He closed his eyes and thought of his lover.
As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill five minutes ago."
Free Daily Adult Jokes
Shopping Spree
Upon returning to her car from a shopping spree, one of a group of young ladies realizes that she has forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills.
She rushes into the nearest pharmacy and gives her prescription to the pharmacist.
"I'd appreciate it very much if you could fill this immediately," she says." I've got people waiting in my car!"
Scientific Bra
A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the crap out of him.
The Neighbor
A man answers the door after he hears a knock. It is his next door neighbor holding a notebook.
"Want to participate in an orgy?" he asks.
"Who is going to be there?" the man replies.
"Well, it's you, me and your wife."
"I don’t think so!" he exclaims.
"OK, then, we'll take you off the list."
Upon returning to her car from a shopping spree, one of a group of young ladies realizes that she has forgotten to stop at the pharmacy for her birth control pills.
She rushes into the nearest pharmacy and gives her prescription to the pharmacist.
"I'd appreciate it very much if you could fill this immediately," she says." I've got people waiting in my car!"
Scientific Bra
A scientist from Texas A&M University has invented a bra that keeps women's breasts from jiggling and prevents the nipples from pushing through the fabric when cold weather sets in. At a news conference announcing the invention, a large group of men took the scientist outside and kicked the crap out of him.
The Neighbor
A man answers the door after he hears a knock. It is his next door neighbor holding a notebook.
"Want to participate in an orgy?" he asks.
"Who is going to be there?" the man replies.
"Well, it's you, me and your wife."
"I don’t think so!" he exclaims.
"OK, then, we'll take you off the list."
Free Daily Adult Jokes
Two Old Ladies
Two old ladies are sitting in a park, when a flasher walks up, yanks open his raincoat and exposes himself totally to them. His penis is hanging right out there. This is an enormous shock to the ladies and one of them has a stroke right away! But the other one can't quite reach.
Missing Finger
My cousin, Keno worked off shore..halfway into his shift, he calls his wife...Honey don't worry, I am ok. An accident occured and my finger was cut OFF...She yells, The hole finger? NO, NO, the one right next to it.....
The facts about lunch
A little girl runs out to the yard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
Her startled father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.
He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... and, he thinks -- what the hell -- and goes on to tell her the works.
He covers a wide assortment of topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.
Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
Two old ladies are sitting in a park, when a flasher walks up, yanks open his raincoat and exposes himself totally to them. His penis is hanging right out there. This is an enormous shock to the ladies and one of them has a stroke right away! But the other one can't quite reach.
Missing Finger
My cousin, Keno worked off shore..halfway into his shift, he calls his wife...Honey don't worry, I am ok. An accident occured and my finger was cut OFF...She yells, The hole finger? NO, NO, the one right next to it.....
The facts about lunch
A little girl runs out to the yard where her father is working, and asks him, "Daddy, what's sex?"
Her startled father sits her down, and tells her all about the birds and the bees. He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse, sperms and eggs.
He goes on to tell her about puberty, menstruation, erections, wet-dreams... and, he thinks -- what the hell -- and goes on to tell her the works.
He covers a wide assortment of topics and by the time he's finished, his daughter is somewhat awestruck with this sudden influx of bizarre new knowledge.
Her father finally asks: "So what did you want to know about sex for?"
"Oh, mommy said to tell you lunch would be ready in a couple of secs..."
Free Daily Adult Jokes
Sorority Jokes
What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in
the gutter and they always come back for more.
What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers ?
Sorority girls cost less per score.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.
How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant.
What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Walks home.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
"Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi."
What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...
Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
'Cause everyone gets a turn.
How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on
the bed.
Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
A sorority girl was hitch-hiking along an empty desert highway. After
five or six cars had passed her without even slowing down, she decided she
really wanted out of there. She decided the quickest way to get someone's
gang. The gang spotted her, and acted quickly. They drug her off into
a side canyon and gang-dressed her.
What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.
What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.
What do you call a sorority girl hang-glider festival?
Multiple total eclipses.
What is a sorority girl's mating call...
"I'm soooo drunk, I'm sooooo drunk!"
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.
What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
Nothing. There are some things a sorority girl won't do.
I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.
I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it does't stop until it
gets blood.
What does a sorority girl put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
Her ankles.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a bowling ball?
You can only put three fingers in a bowling ball.
You could eat a bowling ball if you had to.
You can't fit a sorority girl inside a bowling ball.
How are a sorority girl and a bowling ball alike?
You can pick them up, stick your fingers in them, and throw them in
the gutter and they always come back for more.
What is the difference between sorority girls and hookers ?
Sorority girls cost less per score.
What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
About 40 lbs.
How do you equalize the two?
Feed the elephant.
What's the first thing a sorority girl does in the morning?
Walks home.
What's the difference between a sorority girl and the Titanic?
Only 1500 went down on the Titanic.
How can you tell if a sorority girl has achieved orgasm?
She drops her nail file.
What's a sorority girl's favorite wine?
"Daaadddy, I want to go to mi-ammmmi."
What do you get when you cross a sorority girl with an ape?
Don't know. There is only so much an ape can be forced to do...
Why is a sorority girl like a door knob?
'Cause everyone gets a turn.
How do you get a sorority girl in your bed?
Grease her hips so she'll fit through the door and throw a twinkie on
the bed.
Did you hear about the new sorority girl doll?
You put a ring on her finger and her hips expand.
A sorority girl was hitch-hiking along an empty desert highway. After
five or six cars had passed her without even slowing down, she decided she
really wanted out of there. She decided the quickest way to get someone's
gang. The gang spotted her, and acted quickly. They drug her off into
a side canyon and gang-dressed her.
What's the difference between sorority girls and garbage?
Garbage gets taken out once a week.
What do you call 100 sorority girls sun-bathing on a beach in Cuba?
Bay of Pigs.
What do you call a sorority girl hang-glider festival?
Multiple total eclipses.
What is a sorority girl's mating call...
"I'm soooo drunk, I'm sooooo drunk!"
What is the difference between a sorority girl and a toilet?
After you use a toilet it doesn't follow you around for three days.
What do you get when cross a lawyer with a sorority girl??
Nothing. There are some things a sorority girl won't do.
I don't know, but it sure enjoys screwing people.
I don't know, but when it sucks your cock, it does't stop until it
gets blood.
Free Daily Adult Jokes
Sharp Old Lady!
A man was very happy with himself after just having plastic surgery. On his way to work, he spotted a very attractive blonde woman. He asked her how old she thought he was, to which she replied, "About 23?" The man was astonished. He began explaining that he was actually 43 years of age. 5 minutes later, he arrived at MacDonald's and decided to have a little snack before work. Waiting in the line was another very attractive woman and he asked her how old she thought he was to which she replied, "About 20?" The man was amazed how well the plastic surgery had worked and started to explain that he was actually 43! Before getting back in the car to go to work, he decided to ask an old woman how old she thought he was. "I cannot see that well, dear, but i can tell how old you are by putting my hand down your pants and gently massaging your penis." So, he let the old woman do her trick. After 5 minutes the woman said: "You're 43." "That's amazing," The man replied,"How did you do it?" "I was standing behind you in the MacDonald's queue" She replied.
Lonely on the Farm
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
The Goodnight Kiss
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her �Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."
A man was very happy with himself after just having plastic surgery. On his way to work, he spotted a very attractive blonde woman. He asked her how old she thought he was, to which she replied, "About 23?" The man was astonished. He began explaining that he was actually 43 years of age. 5 minutes later, he arrived at MacDonald's and decided to have a little snack before work. Waiting in the line was another very attractive woman and he asked her how old she thought he was to which she replied, "About 20?" The man was amazed how well the plastic surgery had worked and started to explain that he was actually 43! Before getting back in the car to go to work, he decided to ask an old woman how old she thought he was. "I cannot see that well, dear, but i can tell how old you are by putting my hand down your pants and gently massaging your penis." So, he let the old woman do her trick. After 5 minutes the woman said: "You're 43." "That's amazing," The man replied,"How did you do it?" "I was standing behind you in the MacDonald's queue" She replied.
Lonely on the Farm
Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there.
"Name's Enoch... Your neighbour from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come."
"Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you."
As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'."
"Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."
Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too."
"Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too."
"Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"
Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."
The Goodnight Kiss
One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. They are about to kiss each other goodnight, but the guy is feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her �Darling, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
Him: "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
Her: "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
Him: "Oh come on, there's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
Her: "No way. It's just too risky!"
Him (horny as hell): "Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
Her: "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
Him: "Oh yes you can. Please?"
Her: "No, no. I just can't"
Him: "I beg you ... "
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pyjamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says: "Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job. Or I can do it. Or if need be, he'll come down himself and do it. But for god sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom..."
Free Daily Adult Jokes
The Good Samaritan
It was an unusually cold night, and it had been snowing continuously for hours. An off-duty towtruck driver came across a vehicle that had skidded off the road and was partly submerged in a drainage ditch.
Spotting an attractive young lady standing nearby, the driver stopped and offered his assistance.
She smiled gratefully, as the man began to hook the towtruck to her car.
Making conversation, the driver said "You know, you're the third pregnant lady I've helped out of this ditch tonight."
The trim young lady was puzzled and a bit insulted as she said "You're mistaken, I'm not pregnant!".
Winking at the young lady, the driver retorted "You're not out of the ditch yet".
Wrong Way
A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.
"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"
The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.
"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know."
Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said.
The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.
"Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."
The Pickle-Slicer
A husband went home after working at his job in a restaurant. His wife noticed he seemed a little bit aggravated so she asked him what was wrong. After some coaxing, he finally told her that he had been having an urge to put his dick in the pickle-slicer at work. His wife was astonished and told him he should really do something about that. An urge like that could not be healthy at all. He said that he would and they left it at that.
A week later, the husband came home smiling and completely happy. His wife asked him what happened that would put him in such a good mood. He said, "I finally did it! I put my dick in the pickle-slicer." The wife asked, "Well, what happened?" Husband: "Oh, well I was fired." Wife: "I mean, what happened with the pickle-slicer?"
Husband: "Oh, she got fired too!"
It was an unusually cold night, and it had been snowing continuously for hours. An off-duty towtruck driver came across a vehicle that had skidded off the road and was partly submerged in a drainage ditch.
Spotting an attractive young lady standing nearby, the driver stopped and offered his assistance.
She smiled gratefully, as the man began to hook the towtruck to her car.
Making conversation, the driver said "You know, you're the third pregnant lady I've helped out of this ditch tonight."
The trim young lady was puzzled and a bit insulted as she said "You're mistaken, I'm not pregnant!".
Winking at the young lady, the driver retorted "You're not out of the ditch yet".
Wrong Way
A man's wife had been in a coma for several days following a particularly nasty knock on the head. As usual, one of the nurses in the hospital was giving her a wash in bed. As she washed down the woman's body, she sponged her pubic hair. Out of the corner of her eye she thought she had seen the woman's eyebrows shudder. Not quite sure, she tried again. This time, she actually did see some movement.
"Doctor, Doctor," she called, "I saw some movement!"
The Doctor came in to the room and tried as well. Once more, they both saw movement around the woman's eyes.
"Well this is good news," said the Doctor. "I think we should call her husband and let him know."
Anyway, they called her husband and told him that they had seen some movement. When he arrived, they explained that by touching her pubic hair, they were seeing some sort of reaction in her facial muscles. The Doctor suggested that the husband may like to try something a little more adventurous in order to provoke a stronger reaction. "I suggest that we leave the room and that you try a little oral sex," he said.
The husband duly agreed and so he was left alone in the room. Several moments later, all the emergency alarms and buzzers were activated. The Doctor and a host of nurses ran in to the wife's room where they saw the husband zipping up his jeans.
"Oops," he said, "I think I choked her."
The Pickle-Slicer
A husband went home after working at his job in a restaurant. His wife noticed he seemed a little bit aggravated so she asked him what was wrong. After some coaxing, he finally told her that he had been having an urge to put his dick in the pickle-slicer at work. His wife was astonished and told him he should really do something about that. An urge like that could not be healthy at all. He said that he would and they left it at that.
A week later, the husband came home smiling and completely happy. His wife asked him what happened that would put him in such a good mood. He said, "I finally did it! I put my dick in the pickle-slicer." The wife asked, "Well, what happened?" Husband: "Oh, well I was fired." Wife: "I mean, what happened with the pickle-slicer?"
Husband: "Oh, she got fired too!"
Free Daily Adult Jokes
After Sex
A man and woman begin to smoke after sex and the man says 'My wife would kill me if she saw me now'
'Why?' the woman replies 'because you had sex with another woman?'
'No...' says the man '...because I quit smoking last week'
3 Women
There are three women , the first one goes to the doctor for a checkup and takes her shirt off. The doctor notices an imprint of an H on her chest and says " Why is there an H on your chest?" and the girl says, "becasue my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he likes to wear his sweater when we have sex. So then the second girl comes up and takes her shirt off and she has an imprint of a Y on her chest, so the doctor says " Why do you have an imprint of a Y on your chest?" and she says "because my boyfriend goes to Yale and he likes to wear his sweater when we have sex. So then the last girl comes up and takes her shirt off and the doctor says " you have an imprint of a M on your chest, Let me guess, your bofriend goes to Michigan?" And she says "no,but my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin
Waterbed Virgin
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A Cherry Float
A man and woman begin to smoke after sex and the man says 'My wife would kill me if she saw me now'
'Why?' the woman replies 'because you had sex with another woman?'
'No...' says the man '...because I quit smoking last week'
3 Women
There are three women , the first one goes to the doctor for a checkup and takes her shirt off. The doctor notices an imprint of an H on her chest and says " Why is there an H on your chest?" and the girl says, "becasue my boyfriend goes to Harvard and he likes to wear his sweater when we have sex. So then the second girl comes up and takes her shirt off and she has an imprint of a Y on her chest, so the doctor says " Why do you have an imprint of a Y on your chest?" and she says "because my boyfriend goes to Yale and he likes to wear his sweater when we have sex. So then the last girl comes up and takes her shirt off and the doctor says " you have an imprint of a M on your chest, Let me guess, your bofriend goes to Michigan?" And she says "no,but my girlfriend goes to Wisconsin
Waterbed Virgin
What do you call a virgin on a waterbed? A Cherry Float
Free Daily Adult Jokes
Three dogs
It was a dismal day, and at the local vets surgery three dogs were discussing why they were there.
The first dog (a poodle) told the other two that he had chewed the master's favorite slippers once too often , and was going to be put to sleep for the deed.
The second dog (a Yorkshire terrier) told a similar story about a new suite of furniture. He too was to be put to sleep.
"What about you, what's your story?" said the poodle to the third dog, which happened to be a very large German Shepherd .
The German Shepherd proceeded to tell his story.
"My story starts when my pretty young mistress was taking a shower with the bathroom door open, and on seeing her in this state of undress, I barked very loudly. Startled, she then dropped the soap, and bent down to pick it up. Well, I don't know what came over me, but I could not control my sexual urges."
"I suppose you are going to be destroyed?" said the poodle.
"No" said the german Shepard. "I am in to have my claws clipped!"
Biggest Peepee
There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, 'Who's got the Biggest Pee Pee'". "How do you play that?" asked the redneck. "It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play." The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe. "You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"
"Yup. I played this game called 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee' and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."
His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
The Anniversary
An old couple were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary in the diner where they had their first date.
The wife says to her husband "do you remember when we came here all those years ago?"
"Yes" he relpies "and we went out to the alley way and had sex."
"Yes" she says "do you want to do it again?"
"O.K." he replies so they finish their meal and go out round the back of the diner.
He pushes her against the fence and lifts her skirt up and starts going at it like a wild one. A young man stops to watch. He is amazed to see how the old man can still go for it at his age. After 45 mins they finish and the wife returns to the diner.
The young man says, "How did you keep it goin for 45 minutes at your age? I hope I can do that when I am 80!"
"Well" says the old man, "50 years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
It was a dismal day, and at the local vets surgery three dogs were discussing why they were there.
The first dog (a poodle) told the other two that he had chewed the master's favorite slippers once too often , and was going to be put to sleep for the deed.
The second dog (a Yorkshire terrier) told a similar story about a new suite of furniture. He too was to be put to sleep.
"What about you, what's your story?" said the poodle to the third dog, which happened to be a very large German Shepherd .
The German Shepherd proceeded to tell his story.
"My story starts when my pretty young mistress was taking a shower with the bathroom door open, and on seeing her in this state of undress, I barked very loudly. Startled, she then dropped the soap, and bent down to pick it up. Well, I don't know what came over me, but I could not control my sexual urges."
"I suppose you are going to be destroyed?" said the poodle.
"No" said the german Shepard. "I am in to have my claws clipped!"
Biggest Peepee
There were three boys all in third grade: an Asian boy, a Spanish boy and a redneck. They were trying to think of games to play at recess when the Asian boy got an idea. "I know," he said, "we can play, 'Who's got the Biggest Pee Pee'". "How do you play that?" asked the redneck. "It's easy'' said the Spanish boy, "we can play it next recess."
So when recess time came, the three boys went outside. "Alright," said the Spanish boy, "Lets play." The Asian boy explained that all you have to do is pull down your pants and whoever has the biggest pee pee is the winner. And so the Asian boy pulled down his pants and the other two boys were impressed. Then the Spanish boy pulled down his pants. His pee pee was about the same size as the Asian boy's. As the redneck boy pulled his pants down, the other two boys stared in awe. "You win for sure," they both said.
Later that day the redneck boy went home and his mother asked him, "So did you make any new friends today?"
"Yup. I played this game called 'Who's Got the Biggest Pee Pee' and the other boys said I won because I'm a redneck."
His mother laughed and replied, "No sweetie, you won because you're 23."
The Anniversary
An old couple were celebrating their 60th wedding anniversary in the diner where they had their first date.
The wife says to her husband "do you remember when we came here all those years ago?"
"Yes" he relpies "and we went out to the alley way and had sex."
"Yes" she says "do you want to do it again?"
"O.K." he replies so they finish their meal and go out round the back of the diner.
He pushes her against the fence and lifts her skirt up and starts going at it like a wild one. A young man stops to watch. He is amazed to see how the old man can still go for it at his age. After 45 mins they finish and the wife returns to the diner.
The young man says, "How did you keep it goin for 45 minutes at your age? I hope I can do that when I am 80!"
"Well" says the old man, "50 years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
Free Daily Adult Jokes
Sperm Bank
A man walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, he demands that the woman at the counter "take it out". "We have no money sir, this is a sperm bank", she replies. "I don't care" says the robber, "take it out and drink it down!", he damands. Scared for her life she drinks down a sperm sample. "Do it again" the angry robber yells, and the woman complies. Taking off his mask the woman realizes it's her husband... he looks her in the eye and says "see I told you it wasn't so bad".
Once Upon a Wish
Once upon a wish...
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a "genie". But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works". "You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!
The piss test
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
A man walks into a sperm bank wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun, he demands that the woman at the counter "take it out". "We have no money sir, this is a sperm bank", she replies. "I don't care" says the robber, "take it out and drink it down!", he damands. Scared for her life she drinks down a sperm sample. "Do it again" the angry robber yells, and the woman complies. Taking off his mask the woman realizes it's her husband... he looks her in the eye and says "see I told you it wasn't so bad".
Once Upon a Wish
Once upon a wish...
A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a "genie". But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
"Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works". "You have three wishes."
"I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS agent."
"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and It looks like you're a goner anyway!"
The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
***POOF*** The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
"OK, kid, what's your second wish."
"My second wish is that I were rich beyond my wildest dreams."
***POOF*** The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
"OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
After thinking for a few minutes, the man says: "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
***POOF*** He is turned into a tampon.
The moral of the story?
If the IRS offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached!
The piss test
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Free Daily Adult Jokes
Family Reunion
Three old ladies driving to a family reunion discoverd they had a problem. All three husbands had the same name - LeRoy. The driver came up with an idea of naming their husbands after a soft drink. The other ladies thought this was a wonderful idea.
The driver went first and said she would name hers mountain dew, he was big as a mountain and could dew it all not long, the passenger in the front seat said "I am going to name mine after 7up, he has 7 inches and is up all night long". The third lady thought for a while and said " I am going to name mine Jim Beam" The driver looked at her and said girl, that is not a soft drink that's a hard licker, the girl in the back said "Thats my man".
Three Men At A Bar
There was an English man, an Irish man and a Scots man at a bar.
The English man says "I went into me daughters bedroom the other day and found a packet of fags" then says "the thing is I didn't realised she smoked"
The Scots man then says "I had a similar experience; I went into my daughters bedroom and found a bottle of vodka" he says "the thing is I didn't realise she drank"
The Irish man then said "The same thing happened to me; I went into my daughters bedroom and found a packet of condoms" he then says "The thing is I didn't realise she had a penis."
The Rancher's Wife
There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well.
Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town.
However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand, finally two thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she asked.
"Now take off my boots."
He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He did.
"Now take off my skirt."
He did.
"Now take off my bra."
Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties."
He slowly pulled them down.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!!"
Three old ladies driving to a family reunion discoverd they had a problem. All three husbands had the same name - LeRoy. The driver came up with an idea of naming their husbands after a soft drink. The other ladies thought this was a wonderful idea.
The driver went first and said she would name hers mountain dew, he was big as a mountain and could dew it all not long, the passenger in the front seat said "I am going to name mine after 7up, he has 7 inches and is up all night long". The third lady thought for a while and said " I am going to name mine Jim Beam" The driver looked at her and said girl, that is not a soft drink that's a hard licker, the girl in the back said "Thats my man".
Three Men At A Bar
There was an English man, an Irish man and a Scots man at a bar.
The English man says "I went into me daughters bedroom the other day and found a packet of fags" then says "the thing is I didn't realised she smoked"
The Scots man then says "I had a similar experience; I went into my daughters bedroom and found a bottle of vodka" he says "the thing is I didn't realise she drank"
The Irish man then said "The same thing happened to me; I went into my daughters bedroom and found a packet of condoms" he then says "The thing is I didn't realise she had a penis."
The Rancher's Wife
There once was a successful rancher who died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch and make a go of it, but she knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two men applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied, she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
He turned out to be a fantastic worker, worked long hard hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing really well.
Then one day the rancher's wife said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great, you should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand agreed readily, and Saturday night went to town.
However, one o'clock came and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand, finally two thirty, in came the hired hand. The rancher's wife was sitting by the fireplace and quietly called him over to her.
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she asked.
"Now take off my boots."
He did so, slowly.
"Now take off my socks."
He did.
"Now take off my skirt."
He did.
"Now take off my bra."
Again with trembling hands he did as she asked.
"Now," she said, "take off my panties."
He slowly pulled them down.
Then she looked at him and said, "Don't you ever wear my clothes to town again!!"
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